


Cut and Calloused

by SilverSerpent66



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: AU where the reader is a pilot of the previously unknown and recently discovered Aqua Lion, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Pidge and Allura ship it in a major way, Questioning Female Character, S:6 E:1, Self-Harm, The episode where hunk learns about the galra but the reader does instead, Trans Female Character, Transgender, actually everyone ships it in a major way, adhd reader, fun times (not really this is sarcasm i use it a lot), reader is a badass, reader is scarred, reader is trans, shiro deserves the world and I will fight anyone who says otherwise, shiro is a dad but also a daddy, vine references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-10-07 22:50:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 7,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17374697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverSerpent66/pseuds/SilverSerpent66
Summary: Butterflies, broken dreams... Things aren't always what they seem. You are a broken mirror... but the team try to fix you.Especially Shiro. Will you finally let go of your shattered past? Or will you accept those fractured lines and move forward?





	1. On The Ship

Aboard the Galra ship, the team conferred with Lotor. They were planning a future of peace. A future of hope. A future ruled by a nation and its government, not just one sole emperor. After the heavy discussion, Lotor offered to have a bodyguard join the others as they explored. You were planning on going with Lance, Hunk, and Pidge (that would most likely be HILARIOUS and LOADS OF FUN) but decided otherwise, as an opportunity arose to learn about the Galra arose. A tall, stern looking Galra clothed in black strode authorotively towards them. You were introduced, and were whisked off to the training facility.

“So.” You started. “What exactly is the learning process? Do I learn in a passive or a more... hands on way?” you asked, trying to be as polite as possible. A whip cracked across your back. You flinched, the sensation being uncomfortable but overall bareable. “That answers my question, I guess.” You were put into a straining position, holding onto relatively heavy weights. This method was, in your opinion, about a thousand times more interesting than the human way of learning, which bored you to no end. Of course, you were VERY MUCH ADHD, so that wasn’t that surprising. In your spare time, you’d train, draw, or play guitar, but mostly your time was dedicated to becoming stronger. You were relentless, pushing you body as far as you could. This exercise was child’s play as far as you were concerned. “Okay, so this is easy, when does it get harder? Also, fo I get to learn what Vrepit Sa means?” Your arms were whipped twice each. You barely felt challenged, and were beginning to get antsy as more and more facts (as well as the meaning of Vrepit Sa!) were told to you. 

“C’mon, lady!” You whined, trying to rile her up in order to be engaged. “This is interesting and all, but I need more of a challenge to stay focused!” She stared at you in disbelief. You could imagine, to your amusement, how annoying it must be for an insolent child such as yourself to be faring well, so well, in fact, that you were bored!  She spoke, tight lipped, and whipped you more. “Most grown Galra men would be bleeding and crying at this point! Why would you, such a small, insolent snip of a child, be able to withstand all of these tests?” She hit you with every syllable she uttered, still not fazing you in the slightest. You grinned, slightly crazed, as adrenaline coursed through your body. “Lady, I’ve seen so much PURE BULLSHIT, I’ve been imprisoned, I’ve been abandoned, and hell, I used to cut my arms for the sheer inability of giving in, as some outlet of all of my frustration. A couple of hits and some weight training won’t kill me.”


	2. Broken Truths

The Galra woman raised her eyebrow. "Pray tell child, what is the cause of this.... coping mechanism?" You grinned, albeit a little maniacally. "Oh, these little scars?" You said, chuckling darkly, and peeling back the rubber sleeve of the underlayer of your armor. The Galra woman gasped again, as she had unintentionally re-opened some of your more recent scabs. Blood ran freely down your arm, and scars upon scars showed up and down them.  
"Oh, I dunno. Maybe because my parents are dead, and I've been a street rat ever since.Maybe because I've been in and out of jail. Maybe because I feel so alone, even in roomfuls of people. Maybe because I've never had a real friend in my life, and when I thought I did, hell, they all stabbed me in the back. Maybe because I've never felt right in my own skin, and I tried to cut it all away, and make myself feel better. Maybe because I hate my chest and my waist and my hair and maybe, just maybe, I secretly want it all to BURN..." You choked,falling onto your knees, feeling like all of the thoughts from the past years that you'd kept bottled up, in order to focus on the mission and put others before yourself, were flowing out of your brain and flooding the room.  
You certainly felt like you were drowning.  
"Maybe..." You said, your voice cracking, heart pumping in your ears, tears splashing onto the ground, "Maybe I hate having emotions. Maybe, just maybe, I'm thinking I'll never fit in this crazy, yet perfect, space case of a group. Maybe I feel like I shouldn't be so worked up about this, because others have had worse. I know this one. I've seen it firsthand. Maybe, EVERY GODDAMN TIME I LOOK IN THE MIRROR" You said, raising your voice, frustration pouring out of your mouth along with these insecurities and depressive thoughts, "I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP. MAYBE I CAN'T STOP THE FIRST WORD POPPING INTO MY HEAD WHEN I SEE MYSELF IN THE MIRROR. UGLY. THEN THE SECOND. WORTHLESS! MAYBE I CAN'T FIX MYSELF THE WAY I WANT TO BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I WON'T BE ACCEPTED. MAYBE, JUST GODDAMN FUCKING MAYBE, I FEEL LIKE THE ONE PERSON WHO MIGHT NOT BE THAT FREAKED OUT BY ME..." You faltered, your voice breaking once again. Your voice lowered to almost a whisper. "maybe... maybe he's so kind, so patient... so fucking special... that even if I told him... and only him... maybe even he wouldn't see me the way I want others to see me..." You paused, inhaling a deep, calming breath. "I don't want pity. I don't want to be looked at as if you can SEE how broken I really am now that I've said it all..." You paused, reaching the end of your carefully hidden (up until now) feelings. "I just want to be... Understood. So, yeah. That's why I have these." The door burst open, and you dried your eyes and carefully plastered on the most convincing fake smile you had. "Hi, guys!" You said, with as much convincingness as a soap actor. They all just stared, speechless. A pang of fear stabbed its way through you. "Guess... Guess you heard that, huh?"


	3. Answers to your Cries

You stood there, unsure of how to handle the situation. "How... How much of that did you hear?" A tense pause followed the statement. Coran was the one to answer. "...All of it. We... We'd all realised that, well, there was clearly some pent up emotions... So.. Erm... We may have... Er... Set you up. To-to try and find out what was keeping you up at night." You gaped. "W-Wait a minute. How- how'd you- w-what-" Allura spoke next. "You had a bit of a vent to the mice one evening. They were rather concerned for you, and.. well... That was initially what tipped us off, really." Keith spoke next. "Then one day... You left your bayard out. You were going to clean it and see if you could tweak it a bit, I think. And... I found blood on it. What confused me about that blood was that, well, we hadn't battled any Galra since we were hiding at that Marmora base. So, naturally, I got a little bit worried. I took a swab of the blood. Pidge tested it, and found out that...that..." Pidge took over. "It was your blood." She said. "You were hurting yourself with your bayard. That's why Coran 'took it in for some adjustments' for a while. We couldn't have you doing that to yourself." Lance spoke, sounding more concerned for anyone than you'd ever heard. "Then you came to me for some style advice, asking if you'd look good with short hair, or what clothes I liked, etcetera. I told you to go to Pidge, and while you were on your way to see her, I told  her to run a brain scan on you, and to pass it off as scanning your face to see if you had the right face shape, or something. You bought it, Pidge encouraged you, and we read the scans she did." Hunk continued for him. "The brain scans showed that you were almost devoid of dopamine, to the point that you might possibly go into a comatose state. We knew some of the peices of the puzzle, but we didn't want to confront you yet, not until we knew everything." Shiro stepped in. Your heart was in your throat, thumping heavily to the point you could hear the blood pumping in your ears. He spoke. "It was my idea. I thought that Lotor would be willing to help us, to help you... He offered to send you to a trained spy, posing as a nanny, to 'teach you about the Galra' and see if we could get some more information on what was hurting you. Turns out you were almost at your breaking point, and it didn't take much to get you to tell us. We watched from a camera ready to step in if something went wrong." He walked towards you, and you flinched a little, expecting harsh words, or fighting, like most people would do when they found out how messed up you were.

You expected the wrong thing.

Shiro enveloped you in the biggest, warmest, safest hug you'd ever felt. Your heart was beating a drumbeat in your chest, and the butterflies in your stomach became full-fledged dragons. You weren't expecting this at all, but were glad this was the outcome. Shiro looked you dead in the eye, releasing you from the embrace. "We're all here for you." Murmurs of agreement came from the direction of the team. A tear leaked out from the crumbling dam you'd built over years and years of mistrusful agony. 

Then it broke down

                            down

                                    down

and all the tears you'd ever held back came pouring out, cascading down your face as Shiro hugged you again.

Then Hunk joined in.

Then Pidge.

And suddenly, everyone was clustered around you, assuring you that you were worth something, that they'd support you, no matter what. After you finally cried all of the tears you had, Lance turned to you. "So who's this guy you're so hung up about?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok next chapter and the chapter after are going to be super fluffy kk tho this one is mostly just angst sorry but i hoped u enjoyed!!! i really enjoyed writing this <3 all you funky lil birbs have a great day and week and month and year and life etc. love u


	4. A/N

ok so i would update more and wow i had this beautiful chapter written and then my friggen ipad died on me and reloaded shit and i lost everything including my will to live so give it a week or two and then i will have a new chapter up xoxoxo come yell at me on tumblr if you want @memes-and-dreams-13 dreamer out x


	5. You Can Run, But Your Hiding Is Crap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I FOUND IT  
> SO HAPPI   
> IDK HOW BUT I'LL BE GOOD AND UPDATE I SWEARRRR   
> LOVE U ALL <3

"uuuHHHHHHHHH" You stalled for time. "Nanya." Lance grinned. "Who's he?" "NANYA BUSINESS UHH GOTTAGOBYE!" You bluffed, running away. Jesus. All you wanted was to hide in your room with a bag of Chex Mix and cry. You were... overwhelmed, to say the least. As you pelted down the hallway, you felt Aqua's presence, asking if you needed a ride. You smiled. At least she understood. Thank god. You told her you needed to hide in the castle for a good few hours, and then start explaining a little more. Aqua sent a wave of comforting warmth to your conscious, a little like climbing into bed after a snow day. You felt calmer, and a bit more energised. You raced down the corridor, faster and faster, and soon, putting one foot in front of the other was all you could think of. Breathe. Step. Breathe. Step. You almost forgot about your trauma, caught up in what you were doing, and before you knew it you were at the airlock, Aqua waiting to bring you to your small haven, where nobody had any damn business going. 

You were going to your room.

Aqua caught you in her jaws, and you sat, much more comfortably, in your seat in the cockpit. "Full throttle, Aqua. I don't want them catching up anytime soon. I love them, but... I need to sort my shit out before i do." Aqua growled in agreement. Thank the LAWD AND SAVIAH, someone was finally on your goddamn side. Arriving quickly, you hopped out, estimating that you had about ten minutes before any of them found you. You rushed to the kitchen, grabbed your Chex Mix that you got from that weird Earth store, and dashed to you room. You sat on your bed. You were.... Hyperventilating. Damn. You hadn't realised how fast, nor how much you were running. You caught your breath, taking deep, slow breaths through your nose. You started munching on the Chex Mix stressedly. Admittedly, stress eating was one of your worse habits, but god dammit, you needed your food to survive. After eating for a while, you decided to do something else. 

But what?


	6. Can't Help Overhearing

"God dammit Lance! You insensitive cabbage! You don't just do that to someone who's just been through a solid hour of reliving psychological trauma! What the hell?!" Shiro was livid. "We are supposed to be a team! We've gotta help each other out! Not flipping asking them who they are CLEARLY distressed over before flippin helping them! GAHH!" Lance was shrinking further and further into the corner. "Uh...... sorry?" Shiro scoffed. "As if that would help." He turned to Allura. "You said you looked for her, right?" Allura nodded. "Yes, thought there wasn't a sign of her. And we all know we can't just go to her room, she'd flay us alive." Shiro nodded. "Did you check the kitchen for Chex Mix?" Allura looked confused. "Shiro, now is not a time for-" Shiro shook his head and laughed. "Oh, nonononono. Ha. Definitely not hungry, though she might be. Haven't you all noticed that whenever she's really stressed, she goes to the kitchen and goes and gets Chex Mix? If there isn't any, she's in her room." Surprisingly, nobody questioned how he knew this. Keith dashed off to check. "None. She's there alright." Shiro smiled. "Just as I thought. Who's going to check on her? Someone should, I think. Preferably not Lance." "You." Everyone chorused. Pidge piped up. "Out of everyone here, she seems to trust you the most." Shiro looked at the others confusedly. "Really?" "Yes really. Now go." Shiro shrugged, before walking down the hallway to your room. He wondered why you'd trust him, of all people. He was usually the one people wouldn't really talk to that much, and was, despite his fame, very unobtrusive and introverted. He was snapped out of his reverie by a gentle sound. An acoustic guitar. He listened carefully.

Then he heard a voice.

Your voice.

And it was beautiful.

"Wise men say

Only fools rush in...

But I can't help

Fallin' in love with Shiro."

He stopped.

Him?

You loved... him? He grinned, listening to the song. One of his favorites, in fact. When he got outside, he listened outside your door. Until the final chorus. Then he opened it. "But I can't help fallin' in love with you." he sang, in honey sweet tones. He smiled. 

"You sing beautifully, you know."


	7. The Sweetest Song

You sat there, frozen. Unsure of what to do as the man who had consistently given you butterflies had just sung... that line. That line... but why?

"S-Shiro?" You said tentatively. He had such a warm, inviting smile... He gestured to the bed. "Can I sit down?" You hesitated, before nodding. He sat down next to you, his deep grey eyes staring into yours. You were, quite frankly, mesmerised. "So..." you said, unsure of how to start. He reached for your hand, and took it, fingers holding oh so gently onto yours. A sharp intake of breath ensued. "You... sang that line. Why?" Shiro chuckled fondly. "Well, I wanted to join in singing my favorite song with my favorite person." You chuckled fondly at that. "You charmer." you teased. Shiro leaned in closer, and you were pretty sure you were red all over. A pale dusting of pink graced his cheeks as he looked so lovingly at you. Your heart skipped a beat. It was now or never. "Shiro... I-I-" He leaned forward, and kissed you. Fireworks exploded throughout your body, as his warm, soft lips enveloped yours in a passionate, tender kiss. You were so shocked, but in that moment, you swore you felt the earth move. His arms were wrapped loosely and gently around your waist as you kissed him back. You felt every worry, every care just melt away in his arms. You felt... Safe. As if you never needed to move from here ever again, because here was safe with him. His lips were so soft, so gentle, as he gently nibbled your top lip, then your bottom one, before flicking his tongue gently over your bottom lip, causing you to sigh in extacy. Unfortunately, you both needed air, and the kiss slowly came to an end. Your eyes fluttered open, looking him in the eye. You knew it now. You'd fallen hopefully, not hopelessly, because it was to happy for that, in love with him. He untangled his arms from your waist. "Should we go tell the others you're okay?" You sighed. "I suppose we'll have to. They'll wonder otherwise." He smiled, standing up and offering you his hand. "Shall we?"

You smiled fondly. "Absolutely."  
You paused a moment. "Wait, Shiro-" you said, "Can we not tell them juuust yet? I-I'm a little overwhelmed now, and-" "Of course! It's fine. We can tell them later."  
»»»»»»»»»»»»10 MINUTES PRIOR««««««««««««  
"Shhhhh!" Pidge hissed, as Lance and Hunk battled for the best spot by the security camera. "It's getting good! Black's getting closer to Aqua!" Keith huffed. "Why can't we just call them by their names? It's simple. Not like they can hear us, anyway." Lance facepalmed. "It's more fun, dude! Adds some suspense to it, like one of those old spy movies! Where's your sense of adventure?" "SHHHHH, GUYS!!!! She's singing! And- oh my god!!!! It's one of those cheesy songs that Shiro likes! Guys! It's so perfect! Allura, come quick!" Allura rushed over, studying the screen. I think- I think he has heard her singing! And...." The entire room awwwed. "She's replaced the word "you" with his name! That is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard!" Hunk giggled delightedly. "Oh my gosh- he's listening to her sing! Look at that goofy smile on his fACE AHH I CAN'T EVEN!" Hunk proceeded to collapse into a chair happily. Pidge grabbed Allura's arm. "Allura-guys-LOOK! HE'S GOING IN! LANCE, CHANGE IT TO CAMERA #13! QUICK!" The screen flickered, before changing perspective. Lance sighed. "Oh my GOD... He just finished the line! Oh- and- Wow, smooth! He just wowed and complimented her at the same time!" Keith smiled, for once. "Shiro's singing is way better than he lets on!" The others promptly shushed him.

Pidge squealed. "Guys!!! They're sitting down and talking-OH MY GOD I THINK HE'S GONNA DO IT! HE'S-" She fell out of her chair. "OH MY GOD! HE DID IT!" Hunk pumped his fist in the air. "Woohoo! My ship has SAILED!!" Pidge sat up in her chair and watched intently. "Oh wait.... This is kinda weird, actually. They aren't ready to tell us. Too late. Guess we'll have to wait to congratulate them. Don't say anything, k guys?" The others nodded. "That means you too, Keith." Keith frowned exasperatedly. "ONE TIME!!! I HAD TOO MUCH ALIEN PUNCH OK?! JEEZ!" The equipment was quickly hidden as the others rushed to resume normal positions. Keith was playing Go Fish with Lance, Allura was chatting with the mice, Pidge was on her computer, posting the videos on YouTube, Coran was checking a database, and Hunk was looking at an Altean cookbook. Just as they'd all settled in, the two walked in. "H-hi guys! Uh- sorry about all that- I just- needed to sort some things out..." Allura smiled. "Do not worry, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we do not mind and are eager to support you no matter the case." You smiled. "Thanks, guys."


	8. Nightmares

You smiled greatfully. "Y'know that, uh, thing I was talking about??? Uh, cutting my hair? I- I'd really like to, uh, do that. Maybe. Like, ASAP. Does anyone.... know anything about that???" You said nervously. Pidge smiled. "I think Allura and I would be willing to help you out." You smiled, relieved nobody was asking any questions. "Thanks, guys." Allura and Pidge stood. "Come to my room." Allura said. "I have a few things that might help. And Pidge, since you're the most experienced of us all, I'm fairly certain that you'd have some pointers?" Pidge smiled. "Affirmative." "Lead the way, Allura." A few corridors down past your dorm, Allura stopped in front of a rather large door. "This is my room!" She said, as the door slid open. The room was spacious, with white and light blue hinted furnishings adorning the room. A banner of her father's crest was hung above her bed, and various potted plants furnished the shelves in between rows and rows of books. The mice jumped out from behind one of said plants, toppling over each other as they scrambled to get out. Allura chuckled. "Hello there, you cheeky things." The mice dusted themselves off before running over and waving a hello. "Our friend here needs a little makeover- would you mind helping?" The mice chattered happily and ran towards a door in the corner of the room. "This way!" The three of you walked towards the door as it slid open. Your jaw dropped. If Allura's room wasn't impressive, her bathroom certainly was. This woman had everything! You sat down, ready to love yourself again. You took a deep breath. "Let's do this thing!" Meanwhile, Shiro had gone to sleep, in hopes that he would be able to wake up to you smiling and happy. He was exhausted from... well, life. There had barely been a spare moment to rest; and with all the nightmares he'd been having, he figured that he would be tired enough to enter a dreamless sleep. Oh, how wrong he was. First, he was in darkness. Then, he opened his eyes. He was... Oh no. Not here. Not now. Please, no. He was in the Royal Box, chained to the wall. He was being forced to watch countless gladiators die again. A small figure was entering the ring. He could tell they were human. They were facing off against a Robeast. Shiro averted his eyes, and looked to see who was in the box. He gasped. He was sitting right next to Zarkon. Shiro struggled against his chains, trying to escape, still refusing to look at the ring. a voice echoed in his head. "Look at the ring, human. Look at the ring." Shiro looked. It was you. You were struggling to hide from the giant robeast, which was tearing apart the ring looking for you. He watched the macabre events unfold, unable to look away as cackles echoed throughout his skull. Then the beast found you. He watched, horrified, as you were struck down. "No. Please, no." he muttered. You weren't moving, and the beast stabbed through you with its claw, blood covering the sand in the arena. And all he could do was watch. He sobbed. Then, a cry of anguish ripped out of him. "NOOOOO!" You felt.... amazing. You looked the way you'd always wanted. You skipped down the hall to show Shiro, feeling confident once again. You had gotten compliments from the whole team-but his opinion mattered most to you. As you neared his room, you heard a scream. "NOOOOO!" Your blood ran cold. That was Shiro's voice. You raced down the hall as fast as you could, heart pounding in your ears. Was he hurt? Was he ok? You burst through his doorway, panicked. He was still asleep, tears rolling down his cheeks, whimpering every few seconds. You stroked his arm in an attempt to comfort him. He sat bolt upright, fear displayed across every detail of his face. You wrapped your arms around him, rubbing his back. You could feel his heart pounding through his chest. He hugged you tightly, as if you would disappear. He was shaking like a leaf. You loosened your grip. "Shiro, love, what happened?" Shiro remained silent. "Love, even if it's silly, you are human. Trust me. I'm scared of spiders. No matter how silly or dumb you think it is, I promise I'll help you through it." Shiro gave you a shaky smile. "T-thank you." He took a deep breath. "I was back in the Galra ship with gladiators. I was in the box reserved for royalty, chained by my neck to the wall like a dog. You were fighting a Robeast in the arena, and were losing the fight. I tried to look away, but..." He choked. You rested your arm on his shoulder encouragingly. "Take your time if you need to. I haven't got anywhere to be. I'm right here." Shiro calmed himself once again. "Zarkon forced me to watch you die." You were shocked. Everyone knew he had nightmares, but nobody knew it was this bad. Shiro broke down again. You cupped his face in your hands. He looked you deep in the eye. "I don't ever want to lose you..." You smiled. How did you get such a wonderful man in your life? Wiping his tears away, you enveloped him in a passionate kiss, holding him close. "I never wanna lose you either. Not ever. You mean so much to me. I will never leave you." Shiro pulled you closer. "I... I love you, you know?" You grinned, tipsy on love. "I love you too." You kissed him again, nearly crying with happiness. After you broke off the kiss, you brushed the hair off of his forehead. "Do you want to go back to sleep?" Shiro nodded. I'd love to, but I can't sleep without having these nightmares. "Love, if you want, I can stay with you. I'll even sing, if that's what it takes." Shiro smiled. "I'd like that." You caressed his face, and began to sing. "Wise men say Only fools rush in But I can't help Falling in love with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoooo probably like 3 or 7 chapters more! depends on how far is good like idk to serious or married idk guys but I'm planning on doing a oneshot series bc MMMMM I LOVE THIS GUY HE'S SUCH A SMOL FUNKY BEAN BIRB hhhhhhhh also ahhh so sorry ive been gone for so long!!!! I didn't have wifi whilst i was away so kinda hard to update... and i lost half the chapter...but i hope you all enjoyed!


	9. Open Arms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! I'm posting another chapter to make up for me being terrible- but I hope you enjoy! I'm sick right now, so I don't have anything to do. Two tests? Fuck it. Fanfic.

You opened your eyes. The first thing you saw was him. You smiled. He was breathing slowly, his chest rising and falling, hair fluttering ever so gently when he breathed. A small, peaceful smile was on his face. You admired him, cupping his chin with your hand to give him a kiss before you moved the arm draped around you as gently as possible. He stirred, before opening one eye. "Sorry, love. Didn't mean to wake you." You murmured. "Did you sleep well?" Shiro stretched. "I did, thank you. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you. That was the best sleep I think I've ever had!" You smiled, sitting down on the bed. "I'm so glad!" You kissed him on the forehead. "I was gonna go and train, do you wanna come with me?" Shiro smiled. "Sure! Lemme just get into my armor. I'll meet you there in... say, 10 minutes?" You smiled. "Sure! Seeya then!" You turned to leave, but Shiro grabbed your arm. "One more thing-" he added, pulling you close. "You look beautiful. I'm so proud of you." You grinned. He looked you in the eye. "I love you..." he whispered in your ear, before giving you a tender kiss. You smiled, once again tipsy with love. You quickly changed into your armor, ready and raring to go. Shiro and the team had lifted you up when you'd hit rock bottom. You honestly couldn't be more grateful. You walked through the door of the training room, to find Shiro standing in the training room, already there. "Hey, you!" You called out playfully. Shiro grinned. "Hey!" You walked over and gave him a hug. "What level do you wanna start on?" He paused a moment. "How does Level 15 sound?" You grinned. "You bet!"  
Three hours later, you guys had smashed through 15 levels, dodging, ducking, stabbing, and slashing. You always had each other’s backs, back-to-back fighting style, making sure the other was safe. Little did you know, the others were watching from the viewing deck, mesmerized. "Hey Shiro!" you yelled. "Wanna take a snack break?" Shiro smiled. "Sure!" He wrapped his arm around your shoulders and kissed you forehead. "Let's go. That was so much fun! Next time, to get back in gear, let's start from 25 and go from there, huh?" You kissed his cheek affectionately. "Sure!" Shiro gave you a long, passionate kiss. You were, however, rudely interrupted by a long, loud wolf whistle. "Wooow... Nice show, guys." said a very smug looking Lance. "LANCE!" You both shouted. Then, to your mortification, the entire team followed him. "Shiro," she said, "let's go get that lunch, huh?" Shiro nodded his head, his face a deep shade of red. "Y-yeah." You both fled the scene. 

Ten minutes later, you both had congregated in your room, munching on various snacks. "Y'know, I'm, like, really glad I met you guys." You said pensively. Shiro smiled. "We all are too. You're a huge asset to the team." You smiled. Shiro grinned back. "I know there's not much I can do date-wise, but... Join me in my room tonight for a movie? Pjs only by the way." You laughed. "OF COURSE! How could I say no to the cutest guy in the universe? Besides. One of my deepest fantasies is to see the Great Paladin Of The Black Lion in bunny slippers." Shiro huffed. "I don't have bunny slippers. I have lion ones!" You laughed harder. "Even better!" You two laughed and talked for another hour before heading off to prepare. You scrubbed yourself off before leaving your short hair to dry naturally. It had a bit of a wave if you left it to its own devices. You preened yourself for at least an hour- a subtle diamond stud in one ear, short hair wavy (as per usual) skin scrubbed to a light shade of pink. Donning a binder, you slid on a pair of boxers, to boost your confidence a little bit more. You felt like you could move mountains! With all of the support you'd been getting, and the contributions from the team, you felt happy with yourself again. Smiling, you put on a pair of Harry Potter pjs, with little Hedwigs on the leggings and a giant owl silhouette on the front. Shoving your feet into aqua lion slippers (yes you had them; you got them at the same place Shiro did. When nobody was looking. shhh.) you exhaled. This wasn't really a date, per se... But you couldn't really have a "real" date, so you would take what you could get. If it meant quality time with Shiro, you were glad it was happening. That was a hard-to-come-by, frequently interrupted affair. You slid open the door. Shiro’s room was only a corridor away. You walked as confidently as you could; if you weren’t feeling confident, the least you could do was act it. The door slid open as you reached your destination.  
Shiro was lying on the bed, arms folded behind his head. He had a rose between his teeth, and his shirt was hiked up a little bit. “Hello there.” he said seductively. You were 99.99% sure that your face was veeery red. He sat up. “Hello yourself.” You said, tugging at your collar. “Thought of any movies you want to watch?” he said casually, as if he hadn’t effortlessly made you bright red. You cleared your throat. “Yeah, actually. Little bit childish, but that movie single-handedly formed my childhood and raised me when my parents didn’t want to, so… Have you seen How To Train Your Dragon?” Shiro laughed. “I’ve heard of it, but I never had the time to watch it…”


	10. A Kerfuffle Arises

Your jaw hit the floor. "You've never seen it? Like, at all?'' Shiro shook his head ruefully. "No, unfortunately. I assume that's what we're watching?" You nodded determinedly. "We're going to have a marathon, dammit. All three of those movies. Every last second! And we WILL enjoy it." Shiro chuckled. "Sure!" You cuddled close to him, feeling how warm he was, and noticing how his cheeks were dusted with pink the entire time. He gently draped his arm gently around your smaller frame. You smiled. To you, these small touches held an unspoken beauty. A certain... Togetherness. No words needed to be spoken, the two of you just somehow knew that you meant the whole world to each other. That, through thick and thin, you'd be there, offering a helping hand to get back up from a fall. And to you, that meant everything. Whilst the movie played in the background, you inhaled slightly. Shiro, to you, smelt slightly peppery, but with a hint of something floral. You also caught hints of something more sweet-stronger, but not overpowering. You thought it might be pine. Turning your gaze from the movie, you watched as his eyes lit up when the movie started, how his eyes crinkled when he laughed, and how his face reflected the light just so, making him seem radiant. You were suddenly more aware of the beating of your heart. He noticed you watching, and smiled at you. You smiled back. Neither of you were truly focused on the movie. You turned to each other, staring deep into each others eyes. He reached over and caressed your cheek, and you leaned into his touch. Suddenly, you felt a yearning for just a little bit more. You leaned forward, hands on his waist, and looked him in the eye. he smiled, and the two of you shared a tender kiss. The yearning was becoming overpowering to you, and you pressed your lips further into his. In return, he nibbled your lip, hands snaking around your waist. You decided to further the kiss, and whilst he teased you with the gentle little nips, you slipped your tongue into his mouth. For Shiro, the sudden change of power was surprising. He made a surprised noise, but let the kiss continue. You were exploring every crevice of his mouth, testing the water before engaging in a battle with Shiro's tongue. An idea crept into his head. He wrapped his arms tighter around your waist and lifted you up onto his lap. You gasped, and he took the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth. He then gently broke off the kiss, breathing heavily in the crook of your neck, before peppering kisses along it. You restrained another gasp, but when he started sucking and biting on your sweet spot, you couldn't help but let out a little groan. "m-more... please..." you whined, after he took a long, teasing pause. He resumed, but even more ferociously. You could tell he was enjoying this, because you could feel him becoming harder underneath you by the second. He began to grind on you, and through your haze of desire, you panicked. "W-wait.. Shiro, pause a second." He stopped, looking concerned. "Did I do something wrong?" He said. "If so, I'm sorry-" You cut him off. "Nonononono, it's not you, it's me. I-I'm not entirely comfortable with my body right now, and although this feels so good, I can't- I-I'm not ready to have sex yet." Shiro nodded understandingly. "It's alright. I'm willing to wait for you. I want our first time to be special for us." You smiled with relief. "Thanks, Shiro."


	11. Morning Mourning

You awoke early the next morning, recalling your first date. You smiled. You arose gently, so as not to wake Shiro. Feeling Nature's call, you wandered to the bathroom, feeling odd. You sat down, ready to begin your morning business. Glancing down, your heart sank. A red stain was in the crotch of your boxers. It was that time again. You tried holding back tears, but to no avail. Your eyes betrayed you, one large tear leaking down your cheek. You felt sick and shaky. Why couldn't you stop this? Were you being punished? A sob slipped past your lips, and then another, followed by a third, betraying cry. You gritted your teeth, angry with yourself. You were supposed to be _strong,_ for God's sake. You were a _paladin._ Still, the pain in your heart grew, and soon, short, staccato breaths left your lips, painful, unnatural. A knock sounded at the door. "Are you okay in there?" It was Shiro. You got up, pulling your bloodied garments back up, for the sake of decency. You opened the door, avoiding eye contact. Your eyes were probably red and messy. Shiro tilted your chin up. "Baby..." he said, seeing your sad face. You looked him in the eye. "Shark week hit me again." He frowned sadly, and hugged you closer. "I know it's not easy... but don't worry. I'll be here for you the whole time, I promise." He picked you up, bridal style, and you gasped. He carried you to your room, setting you down gently. "I'll be back soon. For now, take care of yourself and I'll bring you some Chex mix 'n stuff." He smiled at you tenderly. "It will get better." Shiro walked quickly down the hall. It was always diffuse for him to see you in pain. He wanted to help you, and he was doing everything he could, but it never felt like enough. He jogged down the hall to Pidge’s room. “Pidge! He yelled, suddenly feeling panicked. “We’ve run out of time!” A startled, tired, frazzled Pidge opened the door. “Dangit!” She said. “I thought we had more time! I could’ve sworn we had at least two more days...” She sighed tiredly, running her hands through her tangled hair. “Coran, Hunk, Allura and I are doing our best. We swear.” Shiro smiled gratefully, but tinged with sadness. “I know. I’m so glad you’re doing this to help her. He’s just in such bad shape...” He choked, suddenly emotional. “I just... I don’t want him to hurt anymore. It’s killing me as much as it’s killing him.” Pidge squared her shoulders. “We’ll have it done by lunch.” Shiro smiled. “Thank you.” He jogged off to the kitchen to get you some chex mix, some hot tea, and a heating pad. »»»»»•««««« It was quiet. Too quiet. Your head, your heart. All too quiet. Numbing, almost. That, you mused morbidly, was better than feeling. You decided to try to clean up. Once it was over and done with, you sat there. Nothing to do. You felt isolated in your own mind. A sudden wave of emotions hit you in the chest like a truck. Sadness. Bone-deep, and cutting, yet seeping into your bones like fog. You curled up, squeezing your legs tightly with your... arms. Which brought back a memory. Of blood, of blade, of bayard. Just as this memory hit you, you rose, as if in a trance. You turned towards the shelf which held your bayard, dazed by all of the demons possessing your rational thought. Reaching for the blade, a cold tear slipped down your cheeks as you remembered the feeling of sliding the metal across your scarred wrists. you stared at the blade. this was it. You couldn't restrain yourself any longer. Unwrapping the bandages around your arms, you slid the blade across your scar-ridden skin.


	12. Of Blood, Of Blade, of Bayard

Blood trickled down your arm, redder than a hot poker. Tears poured down your face, little rivers showing how drowned you were in your own feelings. 

One cut for HATE  
one cut for LOATHING   
One cut for USELESSNESS  
one cut for NUMBNESS  
You could barely feel the knife as it cut your skin. Finally dropping the blade, you sobbed, curled up on the floor. A pool of blood was forming around your arm. You tried to get up, but all of a sudden, you felt dizzy, and tired. “Fuck!” you cursed. “Shit, shit shit!” The blood wasn’t stopping. You tried to put on your bandages but your arms and hands became clumsy, and weighted. Knock, knock. “Are you okay?” You tried to answer but the words were stuck in your throat. Your head was light, and you could hear the blood rushing in your ears. “Sh-shiro...” you muttered. “-kashi.”  
“Help.”   
With that, you collapsed. The last thing you saw was Shiro’s panicked face as he rushed you to the medbay. 

My name. My name and a cry for help. His voice, so dry and sorrowful. It kept looping around my head, over and over. What if he died? What if he died and it’s my fault for leaving him?! I ran, faster and faster, trying to keep him safe, praying that I’d keep feeling his heartbeat. “For fucks sake... What were you thinking?” I bashed on Pidge’s door, where the healing pod was being updated. “PIDGE! PIDGE, OPEN UP!” I roared, my voice panicked. “PLEASE!”   
The door swung open. “Shiro, what the fu-“ She saw his arm, dripping with blood. “Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit,shit.” She called back into her room, “ALLURA! WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO START EARLY!” She turned to me. “Quick. Put him in the pod. We haven’t got much time.” I did as I was instructed, staring shocked at the pod as his heartbeat beeped slowly on the monitor. “So, how long is it gonna take? The change, I mean. Will he have to to this twice? Is the code ready? How-“   
Pidge interrupted. “Shiro.” I sighed. “Sorry, I’m just... really fucking worried.”   
Pidge smiled sadly. “I get it. Yes, the code is ready. We were just seeing if we could make it quicker. No, he won’t have to do it twice. Changing someone’s gender is just as difficult with Altean tech as it is with Earth stuff. I’m surprised we had it done so quickly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck me that last chapter felt really difficult bc it hit home and this one is even harder because it hits home even more im sorry for the slow updates guys


	13. In The Deep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry! I haven’t posted in foreverrrr oml. Ive got examssss this week (funnnn) And I just gotta get thru this and a school trip and THEN I can update more. I really hope you enjoy!  
> -OZ

It had been days. Days since you'd almost died. Shiro paced the healing pod room, anxiously waiting for the healing pod to open up, producing a healthier, happier you. He'd waited days, grabbing only a few hours of frantic sleep. He was going insane. Every small movement was causing him to jump. Every noise. Any signal other than the slow, monotonous beeping of the heart monitor in the healing pod was what he craved; and simultaneously, the only thing keeping him from cutting his wrists and joining you.

He knew it was stupid, cutting. But he understood the draw, now. How much the thought of cold metal slicing his skin attracted him. He knew and understood better the struggle.

"Please." he croaked, voice dry from barely eating or drinking. He knew he was a mess. The others could try to drag him: they already had. But every one of them had failed. He would not eat, sleep, or move from this room until you were better. "Please wake up... Please."

He choked, emotions washing over him.

"I love you."

No response.

And for the first time, Shiro let himself cry. Truly cry. Not just a tear, but a cascade. Every cry he let loose chafed his throat. He sobbed. He bawled. Exhaustion and grief, as well as near madness clouded in his brain, running through his blood and pouring out his eyes in the form of a waterfall of tears.

"T-Takashi?'

He stopped, not daring to hope.

A hand rested on his shoulder. "Shiro?"

He could never mistake your voice.

He rose, turning around and hugging you smaller form. "I thought I'd lost you. I thought you were gone for good. I can't live without you, I-I can't-"

"Did you mean it?"

He stopped. "M-mean what?"

You looked into his red, tired eyes. "I could hear what you were saying in the healing pod. Every word. You poured your heart out to me, Takashi. I understand you so much better."

You leaned towards his ear, whispering it, almost. "And if you did mean it... I love you too, Takashi."

He pulled back, cupping your cheek tenderly. "I do. With all of my heart and soul. I swear."

This time, it was you who kissed him. It was like nothing you had ever felt. Every place he touched tingled with happiness and feather-light kisses; he worshipped you, caressed you, loved you. It wasn’t something you were used to- truth be told, you were a scourge upon your town. This wasn’t new in a bad way, per se. It was new in a dangerously happy way, the kind that can swallow you up. However, you were ready. Eventually, you both needed air, and there was a pause. “I feel... different, Shiro. I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something...” You scanned down. Head was normal. Neck? Your voicebox felt... heavier. And was it just your imagination, or was your voice deeper? You continued. Arms? Fine. Chest? You poked it. “Hold on a hot second...” The area wasn’t covered with your binder, and yet... it stayed flat. “Shiro... am I?..” He nodded. “Pidge, Allura, Hunk, and Coran have been working around the clock to add a new feature to the healing pod. We couldn’t stand to see you suffer. Then Allura had an idea, and, well...” He smiled. “Does it feel right?” You grinned. “I feel like I could do anything now. I feel...” Pause. “I don’t think there’s a word for it. But I feel like everything’s right, for once.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thx for reading! This all came to me in a dream (i have similar problems rn) and i fixed it a bit to make it work bc dreams aren’t exactly always consistent lol also season 8 fkin killed me also sorry it's terrible school is draining meeee


End file.
